"A profound unmitigated loneliness is the only truth of life"
- R.K. Narayan

"I felt really alive only when I was closest to death.."

Sometimes Science gives me a fake sense of happiness. According to it, I am alive and kicking. I have a healthy lifestyle, I eat well, make merry with friends.. or in biological words.. I have a perfect metabolism, right hormonal balance and a fully functional brain. But does that make me alive? or like believed vastly in our country, is there a spiritual aspect to living? Something that originates in the soul or self and propagates through the levels of our existence?

Sri Sri from Art of Living gives 7 levels at which each of us lives - body, breath, mind, intellect, memory, ego and being (the self)

I think I qualify for all those 7 levels (memory being the smallest and ego, the most significant). But why is there still a vacuum? an emptiness? a feeling of a fruit that has either not ripened yet or is ripe with a rotting core (confused in giving the analogy too!). Is there really something called Satisfaction and Happiness that count so much as to make a difference between savoring Life and feeling Lifeless (or Helpless or even Hopeless). Or is it just confusion that is not letting me appreciate life? a blinding confusion that takes the color out of small beautiful joys of life.. a deafening confusion that distracts me away from the divine lessons of nature...

If its confusion, then only patience, time and a strong will can clarify it. Panic or haste doesn't help. Murky water was never cleared by unsettling it more. But if there is a genuine discomfort at the heart of my depression, then it just needs more introspection (Guru, where are you?). Guess its some long rope of fate that is pulling me into a direction that I can sense but not make sense out of... not yet! (Again, patience..)

I know I need to act, but in what direction? Do I just go ahead and test the depth of water with both feet? Do I take the plunge in whatever seems fit or sounds good? They say I am too late to do anything like that. But I say its never too late as long as I am not Mr.Late (like - Late Vikas Prabhu). They say I dont have the liberty to experiment anymore.

Maybe its right that I have approached the 'now or never' stage. Probably it won't be too bad if I even cross that line.. but I do pray my destiny unravels itself soon so I don't waste precious moments staring at a blank wall. So I start feeling the beat of my heart in whatever I do. So I feel like my life is making sense after all. So I not only start living but also start feeling alive... while there is still some life left!
Over many tribulations and turbulences of life, many of which ended in failures and passing depressions, I have started appreciating the importance of one's will power. If a step is taken without the will behind it, then only luck can make it materialize. With a strong will, any obstacle can be worked around. A goal may have to be compromised sometime, but the will behind it shall not leave the journey unfinished.

"Where there is will.. there is always a way.. out!"

If only I had the will to move myself into a niche.. maybe I would not have just ripened (read: rotten) lying down. I should confidently say its purely by luck (read: destiny) that I am still living the good life. I never remember taking any strong decision.. never did I will to change anything around me... never did I even have to hold fort against an opposition. Probably that is why at the core of my seemingly successful and ideal life beats the heart of emptiness. Some vaccuum within me that is, unfortunately (read: helplessness blamed on bad fortune), not letting any sowed seed of will power to germinate... making it sound like its too late for me now!

"Jab tum dil se kisi ko chaho.. tho poori kayanaath usey tumse milaane ki koshish main lag jaati hai"

More than one instance points to the need to have a strong will power. A strong will shall bring so much clarity of thought. Something that will be a flu shot for my wavering, tempestuous and whimsical mind. Great seers have spoken about how will power controls the entire world around us.. How it connects our soul to our creator and sustains the life energy. Its a much investigated (yet not acknowledged by Science) fact that various manifestations can be materialized just by willing them strongly. Two examples for this came to me via books that I encountered.. Autobiography of a Yogi and The Secret. Ironically these books were also read by sheer chance (read: lack of choice to do anything else) and not really with a will to do so..

Can I massage my overpowering ego and mould it into a strong will power? A will power that gives me the ability to be flexible yet steadfast.. to enable my mind to stand its ground for what it believes in... more so, to first have faith in its ability to believe in what is right.

Maybe I always failed because I try to achieve it from inside. Maybe God's ways are outside bound. Maybe advice, guidance or mentoring can help me in this? Will a guru come forth some day and make a deserving pupil out of me? Will my will come to be (before I disappear into eternity... without even writing a will!)