"I felt really alive only when I was closest to death.."
Sometimes Science gives me a fake sense of happiness. According to it, I am alive and kicking. I have a healthy lifestyle, I eat well, make merry with friends.. or in biological words.. I have a perfect metabolism, right hormonal balance and a fully functional brain. But does that make me alive? or like believed vastly in our country, is there a spiritual aspect to living? Something that originates in the soul or self and propagates through the levels of our existence?
Sri Sri from Art of Living gives 7 levels at which each of us lives - body, breath, mind, intellect, memory, ego and being (the self)
I think I qualify for all those 7 levels (memory being the smallest and ego, the most significant). But why is there still a vacuum? an emptiness? a feeling of a fruit that has either not ripened yet or is ripe with a rotting core (confused in giving the analogy too!). Is there really something called Satisfaction and Happiness that count so much as to make a difference between savoring Life and feeling Lifeless (or Helpless or even Hopeless). Or is it just confusion that is not letting me appreciate life? a blinding confusion that takes the color out of small beautiful joys of life.. a deafening confusion that distracts me away from the divine lessons of nature...
If its confusion, then only patience, time and a strong will can clarify it. Panic or haste doesn't help. Murky water was never cleared by unsettling it more. But if there is a genuine discomfort at the heart of my depression, then it just needs more introspection (Guru, where are you?). Guess its some long rope of fate that is pulling me into a direction that I can sense but not make sense out of... not yet! (Again, patience..)
I know I need to act, but in what direction? Do I just go ahead and test the depth of water with both feet? Do I take the plunge in whatever seems fit or sounds good? They say I am too late to do anything like that. But I say its never too late as long as I am not Mr.Late (like - Late Vikas Prabhu). They say I dont have the liberty to experiment anymore.
Maybe its right that I have approached the 'now or never' stage. Probably it won't be too bad if I even cross that line.. but I do pray my destiny unravels itself soon so I don't waste precious moments staring at a blank wall. So I start feeling the beat of my heart in whatever I do. So I feel like my life is making sense after all. So I not only start living but also start feeling alive... while there is still some life left!