"Life is the price we pay for running away from death "
































































I would often come to the bridge, especially after they built the new one upstream, as this was now used only by the herders and their grazing bovines. Also, the stream was particularly rough underneath so I loved to sink the noises of my head into the gush of foaming water. The sun was descending over the horizon and within all perceivable reaches of my memory, this was the most pleasant moment to be. Yet! the fading light of the dusk looked merely like a projection of the light of reason fading within me.. 

I have contemplated suicide totally six times in my life, and out of that two times at this very bridge. Today was a record third time. The bridge finally overtook the sleeping pills.

A tribal saying goes, "At day break, we set out in the direction of the rising sun, we hunt whatever comes our way. When the sun is overhead, we sleep in the shade. When the light fades, we walk towards the setting sun, and it brings us home.." Will the setting sun take me home today? I feel like an outsider in this world, Its strange; I am its stranger.

"God is your friend that never lets you down" says my pastor. Quiet obviously, so! Whenever God needs friends, he just "pulls some people up, into his abode". But queerly in my case, he has always let me down. All my 5 previous attempts at killing myself have miserably failed. Or has God succeeded?

Nevertheless, here I am for the 6th attempt.. and the sunset is making me emotional. A flock of birds fly past, looks like they are chasing the clouds. Or are they driving away the clouds so more light falls on me? I look down at the water and try to see the fishes in it. The current is too rapid and fishes dart across like reflection of meteors in the water. Then I look at the grass on the banks, bending and dancing to the water flow. They look so eager to break away and float into the watery world, yet something is holding them back. They latch on the soil, which they share with the slimy moss.

Not to be distracted by these interpretations, I focus my sight back on the golden circle of light melting into  watery frontiers. In the shimmering beams, I see mirages of promises that made up my life. How I started off  with potential energies that never converted into the right kinetic energies. How I grew up so fast physically  that people were quick to place their burden of expectations on me, without noticing that mentally I was still lagging behind. I never dared to open up and speak out my mind. Where the hell was the time? All my childhood was spent fighting over video-games and all my youth, fighting with anxiety and indecision. My life  has been a story all thoughts and no action - a train of thoughts, with no engine! All my experiences total into a sum of hits and misses - Hits that I took due to failed dreams and the various Misses that came in and out of my life - Each 'Miss' that came for 'understanding' and left with 'misunderstanding'. I could not stand under anything that I believed in, for I didn't even understand what I believed in. I took for granted whatever came easily available, and played down whatever came with any figment of love in it. I always waged a war with time, not because it ran too fast or too slow but just because it rang the alarm and woke me up every morning, into a day that I knew I would not be proud at the end of. I kept my parents waiting, until they ran out of time. In the heat of my contemplative moments, I forgot to savor the warmth of their care. In the noises that clouded my mind, I failed to hear the heart beats of the people (and the Miss-es) that loved me. I kept trying to run out of cozy situations, until their patience ran out. I charted a life of my own, fought with dialectic creations of my own mind, fumbled with my heart, stumbled upon my own desires, walked relentlessly into the mist with a vague belief that I am going to get someplace worthy of me.. and where did that lead me.. to this bridge? to this sunset?

Dear Sun! Why are you not setting today? Its been so long since I stood here. Are you eagerly listening to me or enjoying making a mockery of me? Like how I have always pretended to be busy and closed my ears to the music of life.

Every person that loved me saw only a mask of mine, but never my real face. How could they? I haven't even grown a face yet. I don't yet have a clear identity for myself. If I kill myself now, what face will I even show to God?

Dear Sunnie! Though everyone blames you for rising and setting everyday, I know its not you that moves. You stay where you are. It we who turn, we look away from you and then darkness descends upon us. If I look at you with intent and not get distracted, then your light shall stay with me. Maybe that's why you didn't set today?

Like a poet once said,
"Love the stars fondly, and you will never be fearful of the night.
Watch the sunset, and you'll know the world's good.. and love's right"

Thanks Sunnie, for not dying on me this time!
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